Dear friends and family who live far away....

I miss you all in an aching kind of way today.

I realize that I have hurt some of you the last time I saw you and I want to apologize for that. I imagine the distance and quiet has made things sorer. I want to say, more than ever, that I'm often shuffling through the madness of life in some state of loss and hurt and I say things because I am frustrated by that -- that I don't have the answers I think everyone expects of me. I want, more than anything, for the air to be clear and for the hurts to be forgiven. I understand if you feel the same way.

I want you to know that I still love you all, that I always will. I also want you all to know that I may be different from the person you once knew (depending on when we met) and that you may not accept everything about me.  That's OK. Really. That's OK. But please don't intentionally try to hurt me or talk politics with me if you know we disagree.  This creates division and makes it hard when we do finally see each other. If you'd like to get to know me better, keep reading (this blog and others).

If we didn't live far apart, I would have dinner and hot cider at your house tonight. Or you, of course, would be welcome at mine. I would tell you over meatloaf and mashed potatoes that I have finally reached a place of calm about my choice of life, from the man I love to the place I worship -- and that it may not be what you thought it would be, but that it's finally where I'm finding a fit. Aren't you happy for me? I hope you are. Because it is what I wish for you. Really. 

I want you to be happy and if I have somehow made you think I am judging you, I am sorry. I may have judged you (it's something I'm working on, trying to be kinder). But please don't read between the lines of my Facebook posts. There's likely nothing there. I love you as you are and I hope the best things in life for you. Let's be close even as the distance stretches between us. 

My phone call voice is awkward and Skype gives me an extra chin. I am not pretty trying to bridge these distances. My efforts are sadly few. But I'm trying today to move beyond them and the hurts I know I have inflicted. I welcome your presence wherever you are. And I miss you. I really do. I grew up with you, went to college with you, sang with you, drank with you, laughed with you, traveled with you, ate with you, share blood and often tears with you. Don't leave me now when I'm finally becoming the person I think I'm supposed to be. And if I'm not doing this right -- and especially if I am -- I'm going to need every one of you to help me continue to find my way. 

It isn't easy being so far away from you, beloved friends and family everywhere. Waves of homesickness and loneliness wash over me in equal measure with accomplishment and joy at the life I've wrought here. But there are no easy fixes. Only voicemails and phone tag and work. 

I'm calling. Will you call, too? I'll pick up if my phone isn't on vibrate. I promise. Let's not just "Skype sometime" -- let's make a date. Don't worry, this way you don't have to buy drinks for the gal with the extra chin.