When the private turns public

I've been thinking a lot about life in the public eye. I watch celebrities and public figures from all walks of life every day, from the CEO of the world's biggest computer company to the bombshell actress who is still rockin' it out at 65.

Many have drive, some luck and looks, and still others, simple genius that would not be granted obscurity. The latter seems to be the case for the subject of the latest book I'm reading: John Kennedy Toole. If you haven't heard of him, you're not alone. I had no idea what he was about, but the synopsis for "Butterfly in the Typewriter: The Tragic Life of John Kennedy Toole and the Remarkable Story of 'A Confederacy of Dunces'" certainly got me interested in him.

Toole was a pretty extraordinary academic who, depressed with the editing of his writing career gives up on a novel, and eventually commits suicide. His mom finds his manuscript in a box, pushes someone to read it and eventually publish it. The book became a Pulitzer Prize winner.

While reading of this man's early achievements and ongoing struggles with identity, the reader always has the knowledge that overshadows it all: He's going to kill himself.

I'm currently in a section in which Toole decides to go to New York City's Columbia University and discovers it's not the idealized place he'd visited as a tourist. It's a cold, unforgiving place for the outspoken southerner.

I don't associate with the suicidal stuff -so don't call me asking me if I do - but I do associate with Toole's feelings about New York in contrast to his hometown and conflict about achievement and what it means to a person. This city has a way of sapping your will to buy toilet paper and garlic, so how do you find the sliver of strength to start another documentary? (I'm really trying to be OK with chilling out and slowly moving forward with my next project.)

Toole eventually went back to Louisiana. I'm staying in New York, so I guess I'll have to deal with these distractions and sometimes soul-sapping conditions - and just frickin' produce something. Warning: It may not be a Pulitzer.

So here I am. I don't want to be a celebrity, but I do want to be more of a producer than a constant consumer. (Do you realize, really, how much you consume? I keep my receipts and by the end of the month, there's a pile that won't stay 'stuck' to my bulletin board.)

And I don't want to hide my work in diaries tucked away in my bureau anymore. So I'm back. My previous blog, Girl Meets World, is officially defunct. This is where I - and all the thoughts that escape the confines of a subway car - will now live.

It's a big step to come back into the public eye, especially at a time when there's so much to lose. But I'll have my rules. I hope what I can filter out from behind those restrictions will keep you, dear reader(s), coming back for a little more CityGab.